Getting off the Rollercoaster
Sitting with my father, we are looking at the pictures in his room, and he is telling me - as if for the first time - about the Comet, a famous roller-coaster at Crystal Beach in Fort Erie, Ontario. We talk about this roller-coaster often. We could hear the people scream - as they went down the steep decline – while sailing on Lake Erie. Even though Crystal Beach Park has been replaced with a summer housing community and the roller-coaster is long gone; it stays with us as we talk with each other.
How do we know a person? David Brooks says one of the ways is accompaniment, in his book How to Know a Person. To show up for them, to be alongside them. This resonates with me in my own life and how I want to be with people. It is aspirational and a good re-set as I move into the holidays and new year. It also resonates deeply in the work I do as a coach – and the incredible work my clients do every day in non-profit and association leadership.
Presence in Fundraising
When I’m busy, it can be challenging to create space to be present, sit with people, and approach them without judgement and instead with curiosity. People outside of philanthropy may not know this, but good fundraisers do this all the time. I remember meeting with so many patients and families when I was fundraising for Johns Hopkins Medicine and Cleveland Clinic – sitting with them and listening to their experiences – helping them meaningfully support their doctors and nurses. It was such a gift to be present with them. There is a great Cleveland Clinic video on empathy that shows the perspectives of the people in hospitals. It reminds me to try to be kind even when I’m feeling busy and impatient. We often have no idea what is happening in someone else’s life.
Leadership and the Coaching Mindset
How do we apply the idea of accompaniment to our work in leadership and teams? When I was at American University for their Leadership Coaching for Organizational Performance program, at least half of my cohort was made up of leaders from the Secret Service. They were all there to learn the coaching mindset and skills to lead their teams better. The International Coaching Federation (ICF) defines a coaching mindset as the attitude of those who develop and maintain a mindset that is open, curious, flexible and client-centered. This requires leaders to slow down long enough to create the space they need to show up with intentionality. I wish I had this training earlier in my career. It’s hard, but the leaders who have worked to develop these skills will tell you it’s worth it, and data shows the ROI on coaching is incredible.
I have found this approach to be very effective in my work with teams. A client recently invited me to facilitate a DISC session with his team during their retreat. He shared that before I arrived they were going to do an exercise from Patrick Lencioni’s book, The Advantage, that would help them open up and come to our session willing to be more vulnerable. The exercise is simple, the leader asks everyone to share where they were born, how many siblings they have, where they fall in the order of children, and finally, what the most interesting or difficult challenge was for them as a kid.” (Lencioni, p. 20) Simple and powerful. The room I walked into was more open to discussion, vulnerability, and connection than any group I’ve worked with. Why? I would argue that they have built a great culture over time, and that morning, they created the space to really talk with one another and understand a little bit more about where each person was coming from. They weren’t rushing – they actually ended up running late all day – but it was worth it. They continued to build trust and an effective team that works together; they are also having a phenomenal 4th quarter!
Space to Read, Strategize, and Think
Why is it so hard to create space to not only be with other people but to be with ourselves? Just like the adrenaline created by the Comet– many high-performers experience a similar rush from high-paced/intense work environments. Or, they may feel they can’t spare the time or carve out the space. They don’t think they can stop the roller-coaster mid-ride. It’s hard to stop when we are moving so fast without actively prioritizing it. Yet, we know that some of the most successful people carve out time to read and to reflect. Bill Gates, among others, is known to spend an hour a day/5 hours a work week reading; it is known as the 5 hour rule, and Bill Gates credits this time as a key to his success. Operationalizing time to think, plan, and be strategic is something I still actively work on, and something I talk with clients about all the time. The benefits are increased success at work, more presence at home, and increased wellbeing.
As we move into the busyness of the holidays, I’m going to schedule time to be thoughtful (and keep it!) I’m going to work on noticing when I’m not present with my family so I can shift back, and I’m going to give myself grace when I don’t. And, most importantly, I’m going to spend time sitting with my father reminiscing about the rollercoaster.